And…submit.

Congratulations on submitting your Early Decision application to High Achieving University, Bobby Teenager.

Phew, it’s all done. I’ve worked hard for three years of high school, done well on my standardized tests, and built up an impressive extracurricular resume. There’s no way that High Achieving U could possibly turn me down.

I can’t wait for all the great times I’ll have on campus. I’ll take classes from some of the best professors in the world. I’ll conduct research in facilities professionals dream about. I’ll be able to write for the prestigious High Achieving University Daily. And that’s not to mention all of the outstanding students who will surround me.

Wait, all the outstanding students that attend HAU have to apply there first. That’s a pretty competitive applicant pool. Sure, I was the editor-in-chief for the pioneering, outstanding, and journalistically unmatched New Trier News, but what if other students applying were three-sport varsity athletes, Student Body President, editor-in-chief of their inferior-but-still-credible school newspaper, and captain of their school’s debate team?

With the quality of students applying, my chances are miniscule. Scratch that; they’re zero! How did I ever even hope to get into High Achieving University? At this rate, I’ll be forced to attend an Ivy League safety school. What if the students surrounding me in college were merely page editors of their high school newspaper? What if the average GPA of incoming students is below a 4.0? What if I can’t even get into one of these schools and am forced to go to…a Big Ten school? The horror!

What am I saying? I’d be lucky to even go to a large state university! With the college application process these days, I’m not going to get in anywhere. I’m going to enroll online at DeVry University and flunk out in less than one semester. My family will be so ashamed that they’ll kick me out of the house forever. I’ll have no money and end up homeless on the side of a street in some treacherous, crime-ridden location like South Central Los Angeles, Southwest Chicago, or Wilmette.

My life is over! I’m a complete failure. All of my friends are going to become CEOs of Google and Apple while I end up in a roadside ditch along with everyone that didn’t switch to DirecTV.  How could my life have possible spiraled out of control so fast? Oh the humanity!

Wait…what?

I got in, you say?

Psh, I knew was going to get it the whole time. Time to go post a Facebook status that will certainly endear me to all of peers.