Before you read, this, I need to tell you one thing. Normally, this space in the paper is filled by an excellent, well informed opinion piece by yours truly. But this week, it’s something different. This, dear reader, is what I like to call an uninformed opinion piece. Now, I’m not the first to do one of these. I’d say just about every newspaper in the country has run one of these, some more than others. But this is my first, so you’re in for a treat. These are my thoughts about girls advisery.

So, what do I imagine a girl’s advisery to be? First, I imagine that it’s basically a glorified slumber party. Everybody’s braiding each other’s hair, complimenting each other, and talking about cute boys named Max Friedman. Emotions, along with the frilly pillows I know that every girl brings to school, fly about the room, leading to uproarious cackles from all. I also imagine that a girls’ advisery is where you can go if you want to get the latest gossip about everyone in the entire state. Because that’s what I’m told girls do.

Now, don’t get me wrong, boy’s adviseries have a decent amount of gossip. Not a lot, but I usually feel pretty up to date before I go to first period. But, thanks to my guide book of handy-dandy stereotypes, I imagine that girls’ adviseries have even more. I imagine girls tearing each other’s throats out over lies about relationships, pregnancies, and everything in between. I don’t actually pay attention to morning announcements, I do notice that they drone on and on, so I assume they’re mostly announcing which girls died in the great drama war today.

I also assume there’s a lot of crying. Girls are emotional, while boys are tough and super-duper cool. Girls’ adviseries are filled with crying, emotional young women, who, obviously, are crying about absolutely nothing. So, if you’ve ever walked into a first period class and found the floor wet, now you know why. It’s because that room is a girls advisery and they cry all the time.

And now, to address the elephant in the room. Or should I say the bagels in the room. Or should I say the bagels in the girls advisery room. ‘Cause girls adiviseries are obsessed with bagels. Like, incredibly obsessed. I imagine shrines are built to bagels. I imagine that all the desks are arranged in bagel formation, AKA a circle, in order to pay better tribute to their bagel gods. ‘Cause apparently, girls really like bagels.

While I’m not sure whether they actually do this or not, I like to think that each girls advisery spends ten minutes talking about me, and how much they love me. They talk about how handsome and clever I am, and how they all wish that they could get to know me better. Mostly they talk about how clever and original my opinions are in the New Trier News story. This is what I choose to believe, because how else am  I supposed to get through the day?

If you’re a boy, I hope you’ve found this piece well thought out and informative. I recommend telling your male friends about it, so they can read and find out about what really goes on in a girls advisery. You can stop reading here.

And if you’re a girl, please don’t blow my cover. I really need this job.