If you’re anything like me, and hopefully you aren’t, Halloween depresses your inner child.
As a high schooler, I am finding it very hard to come to terms with the fact that adults simply won’t put candy in my plastic pumpkin anymore.
I was doing a great job of dressing in a kiddie costume and getting away with it up until sophomore year. Who made up these convoluted rules about trick or treating? And in which clause did they add an age limit?
As a junior I gave up on trick or treating before I started. However, this year –like a miracle– Halloween falls on a treasured Friday. I won’t let my beloved trick or treating experience pass me by this time around.
You’re wondering at this point: Leah, how are you going to get away with this wicked scheme?
Don’t worry reader, I will let you in on my big secret as this newspaper is coming out on Halloween and it would be impossible to copy. My evil plan takes a lot of planning and craftwork.
Phase one weighs on how much time and effort you put into it. You must be extremely creative and artistically talented, so I am not sure if many of you could pull this one off.
You must compile a list of traits that make you a respectable person and then make a flier out of them. With these handouts you will flag down mothers and fathers anywhere you think they will be.
Grocery stores, train stations, or inside their homes could work. This, though, is where you must get imaginative because almost any place you can think of could work to pursue potential parents, and you don’t want to bump into possible competitors. How awkward.
Once you have convinced a parent to speak with you long enough for a conversation to transpire, lay it on them. The point is to convince them to let you rent their son or daughter for Halloween night. They may call it babysitting but you can laugh that one off later.
Upon finding a few kids to rent
(from some seriously poor parents, I mean, c’mon they trust you?) you must go out and find some costumes. There is nothing better than brining small children into Halloween stores that sell loud, horrifying, life size, and sometimes pop-out decorations. They really eat that stuff up.
I recommend a group look because it gets a good response from the candy-givers. You want to catch their attention in a way that disguises your age. Maybe a Wizard of Oz theme? Or maybe Scooby Doo?
Realizing the point of this scheme is to receive free candy, you must completely disregard cost when choosing a costume.
Your rented children may become tired, or complain, even cry. Remind them of the mission. I have personally met with my children already and had them go through a series of tests to prove their readiness.
Some of them just didn’t make the cut, I felt bad, but knew it was for the best. They would not have been able to handle the harsh hurdles of the operation.
I take my trick or treating very seriously. I have already laminated and color coded my map of neighborhoods, set up a place for candy trading, and even practiced the pitch at which I chant “Trick or treat.” I know, I am ingenious and perfect at everything I do. If your Halloween night doesn’t turn out as great as mine, I am truly sorry, however I won’t be surprised.
Follow my plan next year and have yourself a Happy Halloween.