Professional politician and professional liar takes seat in congress

This is no white lie


AP Newsroom

Santos pictured talking to press after a conference meeting in Washington D.C. on Jan. 25, 2023

Recently elected Republican congressman George Santos is a 34-year old Queens-born liar. Representing New York’s third congressional district. Like a real New Yorker, Santos has glorified his life, which might be okay to an (small) extent but not when it comes to life-altering information. 

This is my valid, real, 100% not fake way to pad your resume for when you too run for congress. This was created in collaboration with Santos, please enjoy. 

  1. Say you went to a prestigious private school butsay you had to leave your senior year because of your “parents hard times.” (No evidence)
  2. Say you went to Baruch College to play Volleyball. If you’re going to lie about playing a sport at a college, at least say you play D1 Basketball at like…Stanford. Santos also lied and said he was in the top 1% of his class. He got his math wrong. 
  3. Lie and say that after high school and college you worked at Citigroup and Goldman Sachs working for the real estate wing, which was sold at Citigroup while you were in high school. This math isn’t adding up. 
  4. Lie about creating an animal foundation and call it Friends of Pets United and say you saved 2500 cats and dogs within a five year period. I think saving pets is important but so important you have to fake it? 
  5. Have a five-year marriage to a woman but get a boyfriend 5 years before you get divorced, so that you can create a fake engagement dinner to a man who declined your marriage proposal while still married to the woman.
  6. Say 9/11 took your mothers life. (Mother wasn’t even in New York the same day, and died 15 years later due to cancer. She wasn’t even in the US the same year.)
  7. Pretend your grandparents were holocaust survivors that fled during WWII even though you have no Jewish/Ukrainian genealogy and your family is actually from Brazil. 
  8. Contradictory, say you are a Roman Catholic and attend mass but then say, “I never claimed to be Jewish. I am catholic. Because I learned my maternal family had a Jewish background I said I was Jew-ish.” In 2011, a Facebook post of Santos revealed him saying “hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii hiiiiiiiiiiiitlerrrrrrrrrrr.” A former roommate of Santos additionally said, “He’d always say that it was okay for him to make these jokes because he was Jewish.”
  9. Act like you are in grief because your employees died in the 2016 Orlando Pulse shooting. (He had no association to this shooting.)
  10. Change your name? (Anthony Devolder?) And create a Wikipedia page saying after your successful Drag Queen career, you were on Disney Channel shows like “Hannah Montana” and “Suite Life of Zack & Cody.” If you are going to say you were on TV at least say it was “Greys Anatomy” or “The Office.” 

George Santos is currently being investigated by the Nassau County District Attorney, New York State Attorney Generals’ office and federal prosecutors in the Eastern District of New York. His resume is either on the verge of being shredded or severely updated.